A few months ago (nearly four, to be exact), I changed my Facebook status to, "just can't imagine." This status change was prompted by the news that a new friend's two year old daughter had just been sent home from cancer treatment to die. This news was shocking. Yes, the baby had cancer, and had for several months; but by all accounts treatment was going well. Hearing the news that this mother was told that she was going to have to take her daughter home and wait a couple of weeks, which actually ended up being only a matter of days, for her to die was absolutely unimaginable to me. Apparently, I continued to use those words for days. A friend recently mentioned that I had said these words to her at the baby's memorial service.
"I just can't imagine."
And I was right. I couldn't imagine. Now, I am not known for my empathetic nature or my extreme sensitivity, but I am a mother and one would think that a mother would understand another mother's pain at the loss of her child. And in fact, despite my words, I thought I had at least some idea. I didn't; my first instinct was correct, "I just can't imagine."
Exactly six weeks after I changed my status message to those words, I no longer had any need to imagine the horror of losing a child. I no longer had to imagine because the unimaginable had happened to me. My eleven year old daughter died. She died suddenly and swiftly and with no warning. And now, I can imagine, I wish I couldn't and I guarantee you that you can't. You just can't imagine.
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