I know it sounds silly, but the beautiful child perfected even death. That kid knew how to do things right. She died quickly with little pain or awareness, at an age where she had never yet disappointed or struggled. While she left a swath of heartache in her path, it is only heartache caused by her amazing wonderfulness.
Going to group grief counseling has been such an eye opening yet heart aching experience. So much pain can happen in this life. And while all death is the same in its finality, in its pain not all deaths are the same. I listen to these stories and feel grateful that they are not mine. The stories of sisters and fathers and mothers that have taken their own lives. I think of the horrible mental anguish they must have been in before their deaths and see the pain they have inflicted on their loved ones and feel as though I am the lucky one. I know that they likely truly believed that their friends and family would be better off without them, it is so sad to me that they could not see the flaws in their logic. And there is more beyond the suicides. The accidental overdoses, the alcoholism, even the cancer. Minds and bodies ravaged by disease, so many people trying for so long to save them with no effect.
And so many people that feel so alone after the deaths they are grieving. I have always been a person that recognized my privileges, I know that I am blessed to live the life I do. It is hard now to feel that blessing when something like this has just pulled you down to the ground, but down in my heart I know. I know how much worse it could be. Truly.
