Not Easily Offended

I've always been a person that isn't easily offended. I typically take things people say with a grain of salt and have an astounding ability to remember that everyone has a unique perspective and background that causes them to say the things they do, act the way they do, etc. With the exception of blatantly racist or misogynist comments I tend to assume people mean well, and even in those cases I usually assume they do not really know what they are saying.

So, when people started telling me about all the stupid things people would say to me after Emmy died and how much they would hurt, I assumed I would be immune to this particular form of hurt. After all, I'd always been able to blow things like that off before. So, imagine my surprise when even the most mundane of comments sends me whirling into anger and despair. A comment as simple as, "I'm not ready for my 12 year old baby to be starting puberty" makes me seethe with rage about how I would give anything to be watching my baby do just that. I realize that other people are allowed to have their feelings. Hell I still have my own feelings, though I am just as hard on myself about feeling ungrateful as I am on other people.

It sucks because I want people to be normal around me. I try to not let on that I'm upset when someone starts talking about how they think their relationship with their sister is the most important in their life, but I'm not very good at hiding my feelings. They show on my face and in my body and rarely, in my tears. And then on top of feeling hurt I feel like a clod, like I've just pushed my grief onto someone else, like I've just knocked them down and discounted their feelings. Basically it makes me feel like shit.

Just another example, I guess, of something I am tired of yet powerless to change. So far as I can tell, there is no light at the end of the tunnel of this grief journey. There is no end in site. The thought of continuing to feel these things forever, to feel so unlike myself is so tiring, so crushing.