Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

This is probably going to go down in history as the most self absorbed whiny blog post ever written, but here it goes.

This sucks. It's not fair that my kid died, I wish it had never happened and I'm tired of being the woman with the dead kid and the person who loses her temper at the drop of a hat. I'm tired of everything that having a dead kid entails. I'm tired of having to figure out how to parent a not dead kid and how to be a wife to a man with a dead kid and I'm tired of thinking about the fact that my kid died every single moment of every day. I'm tired of the guilt, I'm tired of the guilt I feel when I momentarily don't feel the guilt. I'm tired of being the person that people thinks now understands their grief. I'm tired of being strong, tired of being weak. I'm tired of trying to figure out what people think about every action I take. I'm tired of caring, I'm tired of not caring. I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to have a dead kid. I want it all to go away. And right now if that meant that I had never had her, I might just, maybe think that would have been ok, because this is all just too much. Too too much. And that makes me feel like shit. But I feel like shit most days, so I guess that's all I can hope for anyway.