Judgment Day

So there is a piece of this grief journey that I really really struggle with. Judgment. These are the thoughts that went through my head this morning when I learned of the death of a boy in our community.

"I mean really, how sorry am I supposed to I feel for the parents, whose son, at 15, was a known drug user, but still left him alone while they went on vacation? Raising a child takes vigilance. Do things sometimes happen despite or best attempt to keep everyone safe and happy at all times? Yes, but some risks are too great to take. I consider not making your child wear their seat belt one of those risks; I also consider leaving your underage child at home without proper adult supervision one of those risks that is too great to take. Even with a "good" kid it is a bad idea."

Just call me Judgey McJudgerson. Good god, I wouldn't want someone thinking those things about me.And so I struggle with my feelings for those parents whose child died a tragic death. I know that they blame themselves as much as I am blaming them. Parents always blame themselves even if it wasn't their fault. But when something they did or didn't do probably did contribute why can't I have more compassion? They are probably in an even worse state of grief than I experienced.

I think this stems from the completely random nature of Em's death. Because of the way she became ill so quickly and died so fast there were no precautions we could take, nothing we could have done differently, no fault to be found. And so I find fault quickly in other peoples' tragedies. Psychologically I think I do this to try to trick myself into thinking that I still have control over my life. That I can somehow prevent other tragedies form happening to us.

I am certain that some people do see us as at fault. I recall an acquaintance who, a few months after Em's death from MRSA, immediately after asking me if we ever found out what caused it, tried to sell me Juice Plus to "boost our immune systems" because "surely you want to try to prevent that from happening again." I have a friend whose 2 year old died from cancer who has had people ask her about her daughter's exposure to a whole laundry list of "cancer causing" agents. People love to find fault, find blame - I guess they are just like me, they want to pretend that they can control their world and that if they just do everything right, nothing bad can happen to them.

This is one of those things that I hope changes as the years go on. Something that I hope is a symptom of my grief rather than a personality trait. I don't want to be the mean evil bitch with the child with the perfect death who doesn't understand.