I'm not even sure where to start with this. Basically it's September 12th and I spent all day yesterday reminding myself that lots of people face tragedy in their lives. There's nothing special about me or my tragedy. I spent all day yesterday reminding myself that I don't have the right to let my life fall apart around me. Spent all day trying to talk myself into getting my shit together.
And then today I'm back to usual. Unfortunately at this point, usual is nothingness. I am barely functioning. Still mostly hiding it, but... I go to work every day and literally do no work. If I answer one email or run one report it's a successful day. I play games on the internet, read tumblr or stare out my window for an entire work day. This has been going on for weeks. I'm experiencing huge anxiety issues, probably because I'm so petrified that I'm going to be "found out." Every night I lie in bed and assure myself that tomorrow I'll do it all. I'll buckle down and get caught up. It doesn't happen. I'm at a point where I don't even know what's wrong. I don't know if my grief has turned to depression and that's causing this. I mean it's pretty clear that I"m depressed, nothing ever makes me more than mildly less unhappy. Or do I just hate my job? I'm doing so many things that I just don't want to do so it's really hard to motivate myself to do them. Everything seems so hard, like it's going to take so much energy that I don't have. Leaving me wishing that I had had more life insurance on my kid so I could have quit my job. I hate myself right now. I hate that I can't pull shit together. I hate that I'm not the person I once was. I hate that I can't figure out a way out of this mess.
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